Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday Challenges

First off. wow haven't had this much snow in one 24 hour period since 1977 i heard. crazy....So a couple of things on my mind today. Why have i held onto this weight for all these years. Why am i self sabotaging my efforts by ensuring i stay about 200lbs? I think i may have made a break thru. Not really sure that i was ready to get rid of the excess because it would hold me responsible to maintain it. That is one thing. In the past i have lost it and then of course gained it and then some. So perhaps that is part of it. The other is emotional feelings of inadequacy in myself and from my parents. My mother carries an extra 100lbs and for my life i've heard my Dad complain about it, and when i was in high school some of those hurtful comments starting coming my way (of course i was about as average as you could get but perhaps he started to see a little more than i did.) Then i remember that i just dove head first into swimming and i really slimmed down quick.....i was lean and mean and tried anything to get his "good" attention. Well i didn't succeed and it brought feelings of self doubt into my future relationships. i would get their attention by losing the weight and then find out it didn't change anything so i'd gain it back, not sure what i was looking for exactly but i did it in my previous two marriages. My second marriage is the one that sticks out tho. I lost all my weight and then some while he was gone to saudi arabia and i was home caring for our newborn. He was gone only 60 days but it was in those 60 days that i felt so free to be me... weird.. i lost all the weight rather quickly no gimmicks just cut out all the fast food and extras and stood all day at work w/in 4 months i'd lost 50 lbs and was wearing size 6's and 8's i remember how great that felt but again the attention was weird. My husband at the time felt as though he was cheating b/c my body had changed soo much. So it wasn't long after that and i gained it all back. It's funny tho b/c i know how to get to RIGHT above 200 and maintain it. Well this morning i decided that i wasn't going to let it stop me this time. This time i want it for my attention!! I know my husband will accept me no matter what. And that he is the only one who was patient enough to sit down with me and let me get to the bottom of all of these feelings. The only one who has acknowledged that my childhood was NOT normal by any means. I love that about him. I also realized that I would go so far in a relationship pretending to be who they wanted me to be that i was afraid that once i gave in and became vulnerable they'd not like what they saw, and i don't even know where that came from but it's there like an 800lb gorilla in the room. Well i'm committing to kick that gorilla's ass out of my room. I'm looking forward and things look great!!!

Now off to call the gym and see if they are open, because i'm worth it!! I love my running!!

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you have the right guy this time! I've been fighting the weight thing myself - I really let myself go when I turned 35 or so. After balooning to 260, I've manage to lose 50 lbs by doing two things: (1) making sure calories out are greater than calories in , and (2) putting one foot in front of the other.

    Welcome fellow runner!